


Congealed, But, Like, Emotionally

by Everdistant



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: F/F, Stimming, mild references to depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-07 23:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15918474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everdistant/pseuds/Everdistant
Summary: Shiki's feeling out of it. She also realizes Syuko's hair is really nice to touch. One may or may not lead into the other.





	Congealed, But, Like, Emotionally

Chinese food tastes like crap when it's two hours old.

It has a way of making her thinker think overtime, all sorts of weird thoughts ticktocking away in her noggin, but it sucks, too. Well, it wasn't great hot - cheapest joint in town, courtoisie de Shiki - but it tasted a little congealed cold. Shiki's tongue stuck out as she chewed silently on her chicken, curled up on the floor of her apartment. Syuko'd stolen the couch, the monster.

Really, this whole day is giving her the heebies of the jeeblies. It's giving her the sucks. God, that's a much better way of putting it. She'd meant to get the whole gang in here, Mika, Kanade, Freddie, Syuko, whatever plus ones happened to be floating in their orbits. Maybe Shiki would have grabbed Asuka or something. Even Yumi, if she felt like catching a whiff of normie this fine evening.

She'd meant it to be kind of a redebut. Shiki'd been out of it, a few months ago, and it had culminated in Frederica kicking her out of her own apartment, tossing out five garbage bags worth of soda cans and pizza boxes, then hugging her really close and telling her she loved her.

And now she feels weird. And bad. So she wants to let everyone know that, hey, that whole weird episode? Over. Done with. Please don't text her at 9 pm reminding her to take a shower if she hasn't today, Mika! No need to offer to buy her new clothes, Frederica! Yumi didn't need to come by with homecooked meals! She is a fixed Shiki, a Fixedki, a Fixki, and she wants to show them that. She's proud of herself, a little, and she's grateful to them, but she doesn't want them to keep worrying over her, you know, forever. They've got other stuff to do with their lives, like concerts, or concerts, or whatever it is Yumi does besides exist in her direction.

God, she sounds so ungrateful when she thinks about people like that, but it's - hard for her to. Get. People.

Maybe that's why she's okay with the fact that Syuko's here, even if her plans for the evening have gone to shit. Syuko exists vaguely in everyone's direction. If there's one thing Syuko excels at, it's occupying physical form. Shiki wishes she was as good at that.

"This food sucks," Shiki grunts, by way of conversation, jabbing another piece of sweet and sour chicken into her mouth. The sauce has been out for a couple hours, now, tastes only sweet in her mouth. And, again, congealed. She rolls that word over in her mouth as she rolls the piece of chicken over in her head. That isn't a typo. She doesn't want to taste the chicken, right now.

Syuko leans back on the couch, glances between the box of food in her hand and the curled up box of Shiki on the floor. "You could have ordered more. Costs three-hundred yen, including tax," she shrugs, even as she chews on more rice. Syuko, ever intelligent, had gone for food that wasn't going to expire. Shiki could have imitated her, but she's a dumbass, and isn't about to admit defeat now that she's halfway through her chicken.

Speaking of admitting defeat, Shiki flicks one of her chopsticks up at Syuko, watches it miss her completely and clatter against the wall, then down behind the couch. Hope it enjoys being down there. Shiki isn't about to pull that couch out.

"Nyaha, this Shiki's broke as heck. Bein' a human costs, it turns out! You guys weren't considering the economic burden of, yanno, getting out of bed."

And Shiki's still glad it's Syuko that's here right now, because where Frederica or Mika would have stopped the conversation there to worry about her, or offer money, Syuko. Shrugs. Again. "Well, the bed's right there if you ever feel like saving some cash."

She could do with being a bit more worried, though. Then again, this is the first time Shiki hasn't been looked after/babied in the past few months, and that was kind of the goal here, so she's grateful. It's a complex feeling. Shiki turns the box of chicken in her hands over, considers eating another one until she remembers what they feel like in her mouth.

"... Sorry. 'prolly not how you imagined spending your Sunday, Syu," Shiki finally admits, rubbing the back of her head. "I mean - yanno. Mika and Kanade had that work thing, 'n all. And Freddie said we should do this at Mika's place or something! And - nyaha, your Shikitty got a little shitty..."

"Frederica was being kind of a bitch," Syuko agrees.

"She just didn't get it! Or, well, I didn't explain it to her. Probably should have. Whoops."

"If she's going to play therapist, she should probably pay more attention to your needs."

The two of them sit in that sentence for a while longer, because there's a lot of layers to that - a bit of snippiness on Syuko's part, like she isn't sure all of this has been what's best for Shiki. Which is impressive! Shiki didn't even realize she had an opinion on what was best for her!

"You get it, then?" Shiki asks, a little nervous, unsure how to broach her massive bag of issues, not wanting to unload them like a bag of Christmas presents. Especially since, like Christmas presents, they tend to get stuffed into the attic once you get over the initial joy of having them out there. God, she took that metaphor and ran with it - 

Syuko's voice kind of cuts through her weird stream of consciousness. "Yeah, of course," Syuko shrugs again. "Kind of hard to miss the way you wince when Frederica asks you what you had for breakfast."

"'Piece of toast' is totally an acceptable answer," Shiki huffs to herself, crossing her arms under her chest. Syuko rolls her eyes, leans over the edge of the couch. She's halfway off of it, honestly, hair hanging down, face a little more level with Shiki's.

"Should probably tell her what your damage here is, though. She's totally worried you're spiraling. Or some other term she got off webMD."

"'Having an episode?'" Shiki offers.

"Relapsing," Syuko counters, then sighs. She reaches up, runs her hand through her hair. It parts, wraps around her fingers. "... Look, they're all being clingy, but you scare us, sometimes -" Syuko starts.

And doesn't get to finish, because Shiki's hand *immediately* shoots up, as soon as she notices the little part in Syuko's hair, the smooth, shorter part, hidden by her bangs. The undercut. The undercut!

"Uh. Can I help you?" Syuko blinks. Syuko's hair is smooth to the touch, a little soft, but there's a certain - sharpness. To this part of it. A texture. Shiki lets her fingers drift along it, lets her own eyes drift shut. Syuko blinks a little more.

She tilts her head, like she's about to pull away, and Shiki scoots after her. "Nyaha," she laughs, and then - "I mean, uh - c'mon. I've had a very long day and this feels nice."

"Is this another thing I could look up on webMD?"

"Oh, so totes that Frederica's gonna pose with it in a street fashion mag."

Shiki's fingers dance along Syuko's hair. The fringe of it, the part in her bangs that's mostly just bare skin, the little hints of hair at the very end of that, and the way it blooms out into. The hair on her actual head. But what's really capturing her attention is the undercut, and, happily, she ducks her fingers back under the main part of Syuko's hair.

If she knew more about haircuts, she'd be a lot better at describing this. As it stands, she runs her fingers along the parts that feel good, which is most of it. Syuko, with another glance around, sighs, lets her eyes drift shut. It's an uncomfortable position for her, Shiki realizes. Halfway off the couch, leaning forward, supporting herself with her legs and elbow.

But it's so nice. Shiki doesn't want to break her hand away for the five seconds it'd take for her to, you know, get up and sit down on the floor. 

She wipes her other hand off with a napkin. It's focused work, each finger getting cleaned off individually. Shiki doesn't want anything between her fingers and Syuko, not even trace amounts of grease. Once she's done, she brings it up threading both hands through Syuko's hair now, almost massaging her scalp.

"Nyaha, you get a haircut recently?" Shiki finally asks, trying to keep talking.

Syuko shrugs. "I guess a couple weeks ago?" She guesses, then, more seriously. "You don't have to talk. If this is some kind of relaxation thing."

Which is a nice offer, one that Shiki accepts. They sit in silence for... a while. 

Shiki doesn't keep track of time. They sit in Shiki's crappy apartment, surrounded by half-empty Chinese boxes, and Shiki lets her fingers run through Syuko's hair. Her thumbs brush along her forehead, her fingers just along the little tufts of hair above and behind her ears. She tries not to be too forceful, but she's totally messing up Syuko's hair.

Well, whatever. It feels nice. Syuko hums, more amused than pleased, but at least she doesn't seem to dislike it. Which is good. Because Shiki's - really, really liking this. It's like she can feel all her stress, flowing out from her body and into her nerve endings. And then, when they brush across Syuko's hair, they dissipate, blown away by sensation.

She balls it all up. Worries about the others not understanding her? She puts those into the fingers of her right hand, the index and the middle finger, drags them along Syuko's hair. The bangs curl around them, a little, and when she disentangles them it's like those fears got left somewhere in Syuko's now-messy hair.

It's the same with everything else. She can't take care of herself, says her brain, and she forces that thought down to her left thumb, brushes it out on Syuko's undercut. Her mind protests that she'll always feel like this, and she pushes that into her palms, lets them rest on Syuko's cheeks. Somewhere she leans into Syuko, hugs her a little, and that means she can push thoughts like 'I'm a bad person' and 'I just take advantage of people' into her arms, let the warmth of Syuko's body push those away.

Her hands rest - she's out of most of the big thoughts, and trying to force more worries into her head would just make her feel worse. Shiki sits there, breathing deep, head now resting on Syuko's shoulder.

Ah, Syuko's scooting off of the couch. Shiki's hands leave her hair for a whole 6.3 seconds. What a monster. Syuko's an abuser.

Eh, Syuko's hugging back, so Shiki's willing to think she's changed, she just has to give her another chance.

"... Feeling better?" Syuko asks, still more bemused than anything, but - she catches a look at Shiki's face, and Shiki imagines she looks surprisingly content, because Syuko's touch gets a lot softer.

"Nyaha, yeah~" Shiki giggles, nuzzling into her. She's warm, and huggable, and Shiki feels nice. 'Cause Syuko feels nice. 'Cause Shiki feels nice. She guesses that's just how these things go, sometimes. She's not gonna question it.

"Hey," Syuko says, glancing down at the bundle of happy, content, a little tuckered out Shiki in her arms. "... Was that kind of like sex?"

"Nyaha."

Not gonna question it.

**Author's Note:**

> stimmin' makes me feel good


End file.
